women love encouragement

I've been ankle-deep in afterbirth the past few weeks, and delivering babies has taught me a lot about the desires of a woman. Specifically, when the going gets tough, a woman responds remarkably well to encouragement. When it comes time to start pushing during labor, I'll peer into her vagina (or vaginna, as Ashot thought it was pronounced in ninth grade) and will usually find myself frustrated with the woman's lack of effort. But then, all the nurses and midwives start yelling, "Empuje, Mama! EMPUJE! MAS FUERTE! MAS FUERTE! MAS, MAS, MAS, MAS, RAPIDO, RAPIDO, RAPIDO!!!!!!" And something amazing happens-- the mom starts pushing as if her life depends on it (it's a miracle they don't give themselves strokes), and the baby comes out in no time.

If I was experiencing the pains of childbirth, and people started yelling at me, "Push, Daddy! PUSH! MORE STRENGTH! MORE STRENGTH! MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE, HURRY, HURRY, HURRY!!!!!", I'd get out of bed, walk to a new room with the baby's head between my legs, and lock everyone out so I could deliver in peace and quiet.

*** Words of wisdom from WJW to the numerous fertile babes who read this blog: Eve's curse is no joke. Women who refuse epidurals end up praying for death during delivery. In comparison, women who receive epidurals are loving life. WJW emphatically endorses epidurals, but we also respect women like Jana Wolfshohl, who gave birth to the author and his Beefy brother without numbing herself from the waist down.