Anger (another WJW rant)

"You can tell the size of a man by the size of the thing that makes him mad."
- Adlai E. Stevenson

For as long as I can remember, there have been two types of situations that cause my anger to surface: when I am stressed and when I am defensive. This is unfortunate because I find people who are cool under pressure to be the most impressive people I meet. Additionally, I find that being defensive is one of the most unattractive qualities one can possess. Over the past few years, I've had to put conscious effort into acting composed when I'm stressed, and I've tried even harder to avoid acting defensively. But sadly, what follows is a story about a recent backslide.

I was working in the ER the other day, and the department was packed with patients, most of whom weren't in beds, but were waiting in the assessment chairs. I was stressed. My attending physician asked me to tell a nurse to put a patient in a room so that we could attempt to reduce his hernia. So I turned to the nurse, and kindly asked, "Would you mind putting [the patient] in a room?" But before I could finish the question, the nurse responded in an annoyed tone with, "Yeah, I just heard [the attending physician] say that."

"Okay, great. Thanks!" I said, trying to keep a positive attitude. But then an hour passed, and the patient still wasn't in a room. So my attending physician instructed me again to get the nurse to put the patient in a room. I gulped, and asked the nurse a second time in the most gentle tone I knew how, "Would you mind putting [the patient] in a room when you get a free sec?"

But the nurse was even more annoyed, "You know what? I heard you the first time. Are you going to just keep asking me hundreds of times?" Over the past two months, I've discovered that it's ingrained in some nurses to be disrespectful to interns. I assume it's a regressive response to having a career in which they take orders from doctors every day. And as a side observation, I'll note that I've never once been shown disrespect by a male nurse. They are always helpful, forgiving of my rookie mistakes, and I've learned a ton from them (as well as the kind female nurses).

At this point in the story, I was faced with the disastrous combination of being stressed and feeling defensive. So I responded with anger to the nurse, "Excuse me, have I somehow been rude to you?" I immediately regretted saying anything. Letting her know that I was flustered by her behavior was my first mistake. Even more dissappointing was that I had allowed her actions to affect my mood.

"No", the nurse responded.

And then I made my second mistake: "Good, because you have no reason to be annoyed with me. The last time I asked you to put the patient in the room was an hour ago, so I think it's reasonable to ask you a second time." I said it calmly, but on the inside my blood was boiling. I wanted to tell this girl what she really was-- a mean-spirited jerk who gets her jollies by trying to big-league doctors.

"Okay, now that was rude," she said in a whimper, transforming herself from the jerk nurse into the victim nurse. So I walked away, as nothing I would say could possibly improve the situation.

Fifteen minutes later, the nurse approached me and said, "Hey, listen, we'll be working together for 3 years, so we should definitely start off on the right foot."

I responded, "You're absolutely right. That's really cool of you for saying that. Thanks."

But unfortunately, she continued, "All I was saying earlier was that sometimes I forget things and need to be reminded a hundred times. I don't know why that upset you." It was a textbook case of manipulation. It seemed she had even manipulated herself into believing that what she was saying was true, probably as a defense mechanism to avoid feeling like the bad guy, or possibly just to avoid getting in trouble.

At this point in the conversation, my face was undoubtedly red with anger, but I knew what I had to say: "I guess it's just been a long day. Sorry about that."

Sure, I let this girl win. But it taught me a valuable lesson that taking the high road is always the best option, even if it flies in the face of my innate desire to put someone in her place. It's taken me 27 years to realize that I can't change anyone other than myself. I should've just followed Dr. Michael Sea's lead. He's the king of avoiding conflict, save for the occasions where he mercilessly punches people for no real reason.

And to prove that I'm capable of learning from my mistakes, a notoriously rude nurse recently told me that she really likes working with me because I'm "nurse-friendly".